If I were smart, I would have long ago fully outsourced the task of teaching my kids to swim to a professional. Then I could sit poolside, comfortably dry and smiling supportively as some other poor bastard cajoled and grappled with my two sinking monkey children who squeal, splash and squirm whenever I attempt to teach them how to now die in any body of water with a depth greater than 3’ feet.

But no, I have taken it upon myself to bond with my kids, and teach them the love of water that I admittedly never had myself. Sounds like a bad idea? Yes, most likely.

So what have I learned so far?

Forced indoctrination is not good. Despite some foolhardy bravado, my children have a healthy fear of water.   Which is totally normal if you consider we are not water going species. Water is cold. Water can be dark. Oh, and water can kill you. It’s a primordial thing. So the fact that their basic reaction to the pool is a heady mixture of excitement and hysteria is to be expected. I doubt anyone thought it wise to cast children into a fire pit to overcome a fear of fire. So why do the same when it comes to water?

It’s all about repeat exposure and consistency. Like any other skill, you just have to keep trying. I am aiming to get us signed up for swim lessons at the local Y in addition to my sessions with the kids. And I am taking them down to swim at the beach every chance I get. Because shark attacks are rare, and you know, night swimming and skinny-dipping are what memories are made of.

Patience. Lastly, and this can be hard when it’s you in the cold water, with hyperventilating child splashing in your face and squirming like an cat in the bath tub to maintain your cool. It’s annoying. The water is often cold. Screechy yowling is not enjoyable. However, you just have to remember that water is scary.   And kids are trembling bundles of receptive antennae, picking up every little emotional cue you broadcast. So the calmer you can be in the face of their terror, the calmer they (hopefully) will become.

But I will keep you posted. So far we are still sinking like a stone.